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SHOCKED.  LONDON, 31 JULY 2008: RISE IN 'NETTING'.

Electronic mail.
The Internet today reported a shocking rise in the instances of 'Netting' on the World Wide Web. Netting is an increasing trend amongst the criminal class, who use the process to shock - electrically - innocent users of electronic mail (e-mail). A businessman was recently severely shocked when he opened a message entitled 'You have won a Dutch girl', only to find that his computing mouse struck him with a lightning-like charge which burnt his groin severely via his hand.

RAPPED.  LONDON, 30 JULY 2008: 'DAZ SHIZNITT' ARRESTED.
American rapper 'Daz Shiznitt' (real name Darren Epithwaite [the] III) has been arrested at Heathrow Airport, after police overheard some of his lyrics at a recent 'gig'. Based solely on the lyrics of so-called song Skaggin' Me Be-atch-in' Hoes Down, Shiznitt faces fourteen charges of assault (seven of which are sexually related), five of murder, three of aggravated vehicle taking and one of arson.

SPECIAL REPORT.  LONDON, 28 JULY 2008: CRIME.

Anyone who tears a doll in half imagining it to be a woman is clearly seriously disturbed.

SAND CASTLES!  LONDON, 27 JULY 2008: ANTS INVADE BRITAIN!
The British Ministry of Defence is said to be 'considering options' after an army of ants seized a Dorset beach. The ants (which are invisible to radar) have built a number of castles and are patrolling the skies above the beach. General Sir Richard Astley said the MoD is "considering options". The ants did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

QUESTIONS ASKED.  LONDON, 27 JULY 2008: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN AGAIN?

'Fridged' in.
A multi-national electrical retail outlet was the subject of union outrage today, after a missing employee was found locked in a fridge. The employee had been 'servicing' the item a month ago, when he became entrapped after entering it to escape the hot summer weather. The unnamed employee is the second to be found in a fridge in as many months. Doctors believe that - for the duration of his entrapment - the employee entered a 'trance-like state similar to that which a hamster enters when rubbed with milk'.

ILLEGAL BEASTING.  TALLAHASSEE, 25 JULY 2008: US TV SHOW SAVES VIRTUAL NON-SHEEP FROM HEAVY PETTING.
Controversial US TV show 'Beastophiles Exposed' has, again, succeeded in capturing a potential animal lover. Maurice Trebuchet - a 48 year old dogging specialist - had been e-mailing a sheep on a regular basis since they met and began chatting on an online dating site forum. However, unbeknownst to Mr. Trebuchet, the 'sheep' was in fact a 'reporter' from news channel CNN-NN-NNN-N. When confronted by the reporter, an excited Trebuchet asked "Where's the sheep?".

YES!  ATLANTA, 24 JULY 2008: 'DOCTOR' MAN SAYS ALIENS ARE REAL.

Space bar?
A fictional man who says that he once worked for NASA has claimed that aliens are indeed real. "I done seen 'em. They be real. They ain't like us none. 'Lil Bo', he done seen 'em too. His sister, she been wit' one and she don't like 'em none neither. Ma Pa been abducted, they don't like him none and he don't like them none. They is 'Reds', I knows it. That's why I done keep ma gun wit' me all time. [sic]" - claimed the 77 year old self entitled 'Sci-Doc'. NASA has yet to consider commenting.

PLANE DISASTER.  LONDON/ NEW YORK, 23 JULY 2008: DOG PASSES THOUGH SECURITY TO SOIL REPUTATION OF CAPTAIN.
A Labrador Retriever wearing the uniform of an airline Captain passed through security checks and boarded an airliner with over 400 passengers, it is claimed. The dog was greeted by a stewardess before making its way to the cockpit of the New York bound Heathrow jet. The error was only realised, when half-way through the 8 hour flight, the co-pilot noticed that the Captain had soiled his chair (without warning that he intended to do so first). The former R.A.F. reject remarked: "I've heard of a monkey flying a plane, but never a dog". Upon arrival in New York, police boarded the aircraft and fired over 100 rounds of ammunition into the cockpit. The dog was unharmed.

NEWS NUKE (UPDATE, PARTIAL).  LONDON, 23 JULY 2008: 'BATMAN' PUSHES-OVER 'CLOWN' (ALLEGEDLY).
It cannot now be exclusively revealed, that 'Batman' was arrested for (allegedly) pushing-over a mysterious female figure known as the 'Clown' in a London city hotel. More as we have it (allegedly). Note: still not 1 April...

NEWS NUKE!!!  LONDON/ BELGRADE, 22 JULY 2008: 'BATMAN' AND 'SANTA' ARRESTED!!!

How [the] 'Batman' - in a cell - may look...
In shocking events of a global impact nature; both 'Batman' and 'Santa' were arrested today. The arrests are thought to be unrelated at this stage. Note: not 1 April.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.  LONDON, 21 JULY 2008: POLICE OFFICER ARRESTS SELF.
A serving police officer arrested himself in the early hours of this morning for being drunken and disorderly. He said: "I realised that I had committed a criminal offence whilst in a kebab shop. I duly arrested myself and asked the kebab shop owner to call for a police car to take me to the station". The officer sustained a number of injuries as he struggled with himself during the course of the arrest.

NUCLEAR DISASTER?  LONDON, 21 JULY 2008: NEW ROYAL NAVY SUBS TO HAVE LEGALISED BROTHELS?

Naval 'Red Light District'?
Leaked plans for the latest generation of Royal Navy 'Nuke' sub-boats appear to show a section specifically designed for the purpose of facilitating prostitution. The 3.5 million million pound section, enigmatically entitled 'Frustration Resolution Area Nuclear Command Enhancer' - on the plans - will apparently cater for all preferences, according to the leaked document. Neither the navy, nor any prostitutes were contacted for comment.

EXPLOSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT.  LONDON, 21 JULY 2008: AIRLINE TO ADOPT PASSENGER FAECES AS FUEL ALTERNATIVE.
A British airline announced today that it would utilise passengers faeces as a pseudo environmentally friendly fuel alternative. A spokes-human stated: "The average British passenger produces more methane per bowel movement than any other national. In this instance we can be thankful of the British binge-drinking culture, as methane is a natural bi-product of excessive alcohol consumption".

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